I have been feeling down all this week. I felt better mid-week and I thought Sunday Service will lift my spirits up for the new week.
I was wrong.
I still feel depressed and might even feel more down than I was in the beginning of the week.
I’m doing this from memory and not by looking back at the notes to come up with a ‘good’ reflection.
Service was done in the new space, lots of empty space; I hope the church can fill it up. I probably won’t do much to help fill it.
I didn’t talk much with people during fellowship mostly Andy. I talked with Alma but it wasn’t a good conversation, it barely was one. The service was a blur like most of the week. The part that struck me was of the barrier. I have a barrier that I don’t think will come down any time soon. With walls so high and archers at every side, who fire arrows that keep those who want to enter away. If someone or something gets close the oil comes down with darkness from a heart that has stored it for years. The last resort is to just abandon the field and retreat. I’ve become prone to running away from things, if I feel like my emotions will overwhelm me.
I talk to people about my troubles and they tell me to keep on the path and that God will help me. That God called me and the fact that I am at Church is special. Every time someone says it I have just felt like saying “maybe he got the wrong number.” I have not been feeling very faithful these days.
I feel like not going to anything this week. I don’t want people to see me in this state. Just feeling sorry for myself, and wallowing in my own insecurities.
Tomorrow is work and I probably will mostly count the time till I have to go home. I might go to bible study and might not.