I have been feeling down all this week. I felt better mid-week and I thought Sunday Service will lift my spirits up for the new week.
I was wrong.
I still feel depressed and might even feel more down than I was in the beginning of the week.
I’m doing this from memory and not by looking back at the notes to come up with a ‘good’ reflection.
Service was done in the new space, lots of empty space; I hope the church can fill it up. I probably won’t do much to help fill it.
I didn’t talk much with people during fellowship mostly Andy. I talked with Alma but it wasn’t a good conversation, it barely was one. The service was a blur like most of the week. The part that struck me was of the barrier. I have a barrier that I don’t think will come down any time soon. With walls so high and archers at every side, who fire arrows that keep those who want to enter away. If someone or something gets close the oil comes down with darkness from a heart that has stored it for years. The last resort is to just abandon the field and retreat. I’ve become prone to running away from things, if I feel like my emotions will overwhelm me.
I talk to people about my troubles and they tell me to keep on the path and that God will help me. That God called me and the fact that I am at Church is special. Every time someone says it I have just felt like saying “maybe he got the wrong number.” I have not been feeling very faithful these days.
I feel like not going to anything this week. I don’t want people to see me in this state. Just feeling sorry for myself, and wallowing in my own insecurities.
Tomorrow is work and I probably will mostly count the time till I have to go home. I might go to bible study and might not.
Tueday, regular start.
Went to to church ended up coming 20 minutes earlier. Saw Steven for the first time since I saw him at service during my start at the church. Steven is now Mark. Bible study with Alma and Karen. Was about being patient with God, because patience is love. Went evangelizing with Mark, it was alright, Steven is very forward with his love of God, I can’t be that way. I evangelized a man I will call R, was pretty weird, especially the tone he used when telling me he will see me later. I became really uncomfortable after that. Didn’t really evangelize a lot. I still feel like a hypocrite doing it. Got a couple of contacts, J from another church said he will help us get more English speaking people, since his church is only preaches in Spanish. Went back to church. I then went home because I didn’t have money to go to OU. Everyone was sad, it’s heartbreaking, but what am I going to do? I have no means of making money.
At home, I played Fire Pro Wrestling Returns with my brother, we got it yesterday. It’s a really fun game, I have to learn how to reverse and get offense in better, so I don’t end up losing most of the matches.
Medieval 2: Total War Sicily update! I’ve made a huge mistake, my armies are scattered around Europe and don’t support each other well. I’m going to have to abandon this. I was doing good till this happened.
Day 9 END
Day started with usual then Church.
Only one Bible study and no YEF, because Alma was not feeling well. I didn’t really mind. Day 8 of the 40 days, it’s a checkpoint.
At home, relaxed and then watched RAW. RAW was great, the Bryan/Cena promo was top notch till HHH and Orton came out for no real reason. Christian video package was not expected, but it was really heartwarming. I’m a big fan of Christian, I wished he would get better reactions from people though. Brock and Punk ended the show with Punk standing tall. Good RAW
Day 8 END
Early morning for me, 12 pm prayer hit when I was half-dressed. Then went to church.
Sunday Service went well. Amanda did it, is was about being persistent about praying. Even if God does not answer immediately, he will answer when the time is right. Talked to everyone about the message and 40 days. Everyone is rooting for me, feels nice. Went shopping with Andy too. Andy is probably my best bud in the church. Everyone is nice.
Went home, wrote reflection. Total Divas continues to be the biggest work I have seen. Breaking Bad is back and it’s BACK. It’s really good.
Day 7 END
Prayed in the morning.
I did laundry for most of the day, also just hanging out with my brothers. Just a relaxing day, no church.
Then the G1 Climax Final. Yano Toru upset Suzuki. Benjamin won a great match with Nakamura. Devitt brought a monkey mask with him and punched some fans who tried to steal it. Tanahashi and Naito advance to the Finals. Anderson had a great match with Naito, but it was kinda bad how Naito kicked out of a SUPER STUN GUN and a BERNARD DRIVER. Naito won the whole thing, not my pick, but it was a good choice. He needs that to get back into the spot he was before injury. Ended going to sleep at about 5 AM.
Day 6 END
The day started out with the usual I passed the vacuum, didn’t clean the kitchen floor though.
Went to church for two bible studies and a prayer meeting. finished Rome 1-3, then Alma told me their was a quiz. I have not take one since I was in school. Prayer meeting at 6:30 went well. Yunsook came and told us Brooklyn Church found a spot and that she will be going their. I wish her the best of luck and pray for the new church to prosper.
Not much home, barely any wrestling until late night, where me and my brother saw the Kevin Steen show with Elgin. It was great, I enjoyed it alot.
Medieval 2:Total War Sicily Update! Expanded a lot, Ceasefire with the Moors, which is good so I can focus on Genoa and the Byzantine empire which have started to come after my territories.
Day 5! 5! 5! 5! 5! END
Started the day with a prayer, then did daily stuff till church.
On the way to church this weird headache arose. It only affected the right side of my head. It was really difficult to get through to first bible study, Alma noticed but I think she half-believed me. No evangelism because of the rain, so another audio message of Pastor Anna, headache was not as frequent, the 2nd study helped me with my worries of money for the metro card, worrying for metrocard funds to go to a bbs is a funny oxymoron to me. Then I went to OU, unplanned, I didn’t bring food, so I only ate some bread and soup Karen got. Three Bible studies this day, IRONMAN run. Pastor Anna is really excited that I know spanish cause the church doesn’t have a lot of spanish speakers in New York. Talked about El Salvador, then she gave everyone an assignment, which I really don’t feel like doing, but I’ll try.
On the way to OU I talked to Karen about this blog, she said that I should just keep it personal. After giving it some thought, I probably will keep this blog to myself for record.
I went home, but I apparently worried my parents because I didn’t specify I was coming home from downtown, I felt bad. Watched Impact, mostly as background noise. I don’t really care for most of Impact aside from a few segments like the formation of Roode, Daniels, Kazarian stable.
Medieval 2: Total War update! Expanding to Moorish and Fatmid territories, its been a slow burn campaign. Also this is a Late Era campaign.
Day 4 END